When I was 21 years old the internet dating that we now know of (aka Tinder, POF, Match etc etc) did not exist. We had Friendster and then MySpace, Facebook was not even around yet. I didn't use the online world to date, I was young and I was part of the music scene in Vancouver, so I had a ample opportunity to meet people. However, in Vancouver... dating aint easy!! Ask anyone from here. So, I was randomly doing band promotion in my off time for a friends band and I was looking for an opening act, I came across this really cool band from Portland, they were this like post punk/ new wave band. I was trying to get them to come to Vancouver to open up for my friends band, but there were issues surrounding crossing the border to play the show so it never panned out. I stayed in contact though and I was invited out to Portland to hangout. I was always travelling around and meeting random people during this part of my life so I said "YES" and I jumped on a train. I spent the weekend there and really connected with the guy who I had mainly been talking to, who was the base player of the band. The connection was pretty intense, we ended up sleeping with each other the second night that I was there and it was intense, I mean it went on forever and it was sexy and steamy. Now for the let down.... He had a girlfriend. A stripper girlfriend. This let the steam out of my sails to say the least, but the connection was so real!!! how could this be? ugh.... I went back to Canada on cloud 9 and also, feeling like a POS for sleeping with some other girls man. We continued to talk, he kept saying how he was going to leave his girlfriend because he really wanted to be with me and I wasn't going to hold my breath for that, I mean... he's in Portland and I'm in Vancouver!
A random occurrence happened not long after my return home, I was just uploading pictures to this website called Multiply (it no longer exists) and this guy comments under one of my pictures saying "Omg.. Marry Me" and I laughed and commented back, then we exchanged Myspace accounts and began to talk. The connection was intense and we would talk online and via webcam and text messaging all day, every day. He was a few years older then me and also American, what is my deal with Americans!! ?? ugh. Anyways, he lived in Boston and was planning to move to Los Angeles, I was also planning my move to Los Angeles... the fates were aligning!
So after a about a month we planned to meet, he jumped on a plane from Boston to Seattle and I went and picked him up from the airport, we spent the weekend together. It just so happened to be the same weekend that my friends band was playing, the same show that the guy from Portland was supposed to play at. We connected on a whole other level, a different plain of existence. Sexually, it was off the hook, emotionally the same from what I could tell and when we looked at each other it was pure magic. The kinds of looks you see in chick flicks, The NoteBook! yes. It was kind of sickening when I think back on it. Basically, the beginning of my first great love and romance was just about to start.
On the way back to Seattle, we were so sad and almost in tears... we sat in the car in the parkade, kissing and cuddling. I was crying into his shirt, it was like I was a little girl whos puppy was about to be taken away. I just remember being so IN LOVE with this person. Then........ my phone rings.
Its Portland guy, he is calling me to tell me the good news " I did it, I just broke up with my girlfriend.. I did it so we could be together" .... well shheit! Nice timing buddy. I of course had to tell him that I was choosing Boston, I mean I had a connection with both of them, but the truth of the matter is Portland had a girlfriend and made me wait, Boston flew out at a moments notice from across the continent just to be with me. It was pretty clear to me at that time and I chose Boston.
Boston moved to L.A. shortly after that visit and within a couple of months I went out to Huntington Beach, California to be with him for my birthday. It was again, super intense and romantic. We had amazing sex... again! our physical connection was out of this world to be honest, we would have sex a minimum of 4 times a day. One day while I was there, he was at work and I wanted to surprise him so I left sticky notes and a trail for him to follow and when he got to the end of it, I was standing behind a door wearing this super sexy black lace garter skirt and lace bra, needless to say.. I pounced on him and had my way. It was so fun and intense and sexy and ugh. It was beautiful. For my birthday he gave me a necklace that contained a vile, which he put his own blood in. He literally stabbed himself with a box cutter to fill this thing, it may sound morbid to you but to me, it was utterly romantic.
The weekend was ending and I was about to turn back into a pumpkin, I had to go back to Canada again. It was so hard but we had made a plan... I was going to sell all of my stuff, give up my apartment and move in with my mother to save money for my move... A.S.A.P! and I did. During the summer it was so hard to be apart but we sent each other poems through the mail (yes the real mail!) and he sent me a beautiful letter with seaweed glued onto it and sand from the beach, so that I could have a piece of where he was. It was very romantic. I had one of his t-shirts and I used it as a pillowcase because the smell of him was like drugs, I felt a wave of love come over me each time I inhaled him. It was beautiful. What could go wrong???
I'm at work one day, I get a message from Boston and he tells me that he is sorry but that he doesn't love me and he cannot be with me anymore.... WAIT WHAT??? out of the blue? I was so confused! I was in a panic, I had to leave work.... anyone who knew us, they knew how in love we were... how could this be happening? what did I do? I left work early and went home, my best friend met me there with some booze that needed to be drunk. I was so heart broken... this was the worst feeling, I almost felt like I was having an out of the body experience. Then, it happened... a few days later Boston messages me apologizing and telling me he loves me and wants me back. I don't know what the hell is going on, he tells me that he was feeling so horrible and heart broken and seeing visions of me and he couldn't take it. I of course took him back, how could I not? this was a great love!!
The next day, I get a message from this girl... she doesn't look anything like me, I was goth back in those days and this girl was blonde and kind of trashy looking. She sent me this incredibly long and detailed letter about where my boyfriend had been for the past 4 days. She told me that she knew he had a girlfriend, how she felt bad about it and wanted to tell me so that I wouldn't let him screw me over because I didn't deserve it. She told me that he was all over her and was just using her to become famous. She was a musician who was just getting a record deal. I freaked out naturally, I lost it on him and he lied, gave me some story then I lost it on her. It was a mess. I found out later that she is now called "Porcelain Black".
So, I let my heart lead the way and I stayed with him. I moved to Los Angeles at the end of the summer and I stayed with a friend of mine. I was mostly at Boston's apartment, he had two female room-mates and another room-ate, I'll call DC. It was so difficult being there, Boston was barely working and he and his room-mates were always partying, I had close to 3 grand saved up and within 3 weeks it was all gone. Boston had no money, I had no job and I was staying in a country that I couldn't work in... what can I do? the stress level was very high. Boston was living closer to Hollywood now, in some rundown building with cockroaches that would run across your feet.
One night I went out with a friend of mine, someone who knew Boston. All I knew was that he was friends with one of Boston's ex girlfriends. Boston went to a party with his room-mates and I went bowling in Hollywood then went to a Mexican Wrestling themed bar with my friend. My friend told me during this hangout that I should be very careful with my bf because he has heard some things from some of his female friends. I tried to pry more information out but I guess even the bro-code exists when people are not friends. He told me that I wouldn't believe him anyways and I would still stay with him, so what was the point? he was probably right. I wasn't ready to accept any sort of reality in my life.. not after falling in love the way that I did.
At the end of the night my friend dropped me back off at my boyfriends house, when I got upstairs almost immediately Boston began to act very aggressive towards me, interrogating me really. Asking me if I slept with him, what did we talk about? calling me every name in the book. Accusing me of cheating on him. Then he tells me that this friend of mine had slept with his ex girlfriend while they were dating. So naturally he thought that I did the same thing. I pleaded with him, "he's only my friend!!! I love YOU and I would never do that to you". None of this worked and Boston ended up slapping me across the face. I jumped back in shock, I held my face and began to cry. How could he do this ? I picked up my phone and I called the police... the police operator came on the line and I told her that my boyfriend just hit me. Well, Boston looked terrified and pleaded with me to hang-up the phone. I did. It was a pay as you go throw away phone so they couldn't trace it anyways.
Boston began to apologize and then after a few moments he began to yell at me again... what the hell was going on with this guy? why was he losing it on me like this. It was like Jekyll and Hyde, no joke! He slaps me again.... at this point, I am not having any of it. I'm pissed off and I don't know if he knows, but I am not the kind of girl to allow someone to him them! but he sure found out quick. I hit him back and this started a back and forth of throwing punches at one another. I lost my mind at this point, I picked up his laptop and broke it in half, I smashed his cell phone and I picked up a guitar stand and began to beat his ass with it. He looked like a terrified little child so I stopped.... big mistake. He got up and began to beat the shit out of me. I just remember this going on for hours. I can't believe no one called the police.
4 hours of this carnage went by, I had just been drinking and I was beat up and exhausted.. I lay on the floor in fetal position while he just continued to kick me in the back and in the stomach.. I had no more energy... where was he getting all of his from ??? my god. I fell asleep for a few hours once he stopped, then I woke up and it was daylight, I got my stuff and got ready to leave. Fuck this shit.. I am going back to Canada. He woke up and told me that he would walk me to the train to make sure I got there safe... like really?? He did, he followed me as I walked... I was covered in bruises and welt marks all over my body, he looked at me the whole time and didn't say much, just assessed the damage he caused to me. When I got to my friends he asked if he could come up, he was crying and apologizing. He said that he went to this party and thought he was doing coke, but now that he thinks about it ... he thinks it might have been speed (we found out later, that it was meth) and he didn't know what came over him. We ended up having this insane, trauma sex and showered all of the blood and tears off of ourselves while embracing each other.
I told him that I couldn't stay here, this world he was living in was not for me. He had no job, no money and I was not welcome to stay at his apartment because he had too many room-mates and after that night, after what they heard.. I doubt that they would have wanted either of us back. I messaged my mom and told her I wanted to come home. Boston cried and told me that he didn't want to lose me, that he would leave everything and come to Canada with me. I of course.... accepted.
We bought two greyhound tickets back to Vancouver, it was the longest bus ride of my life. It took 24 hours and after what we put one another through, it felt like it took days.
We got back to Canada and things were not great, we were more comfortable though. We stayed at my moms place for a short time. I got my job back. We continued to have sex 4 times a day, the physical connection was still there, now that I think back on it... its probably the only thing that kept us together to be honest. After a couple of months, I began to feel off and I went to the doctors.... the doctor came in and said "Well, you're pregnant" .... the first thing that came out of my mouth was "NO!" I barked it at him, the doctor leaned back in shock, Boston fell back against the wall in shock. Why were we even shocked? we were having unprotected sex 4+ times a day for months. We decided not to go through with it, I was inching very close to the time in the pregnancy where there was no turning back. I couldn't be a mom! not right now... not with this guy! He told me as much that he wouldn't be able to stick around had I kept it, I didn't want to keep it anyways... I wasn't going to bring a baby into the world with an absent father, or worse yet... had he stuck around, someone who had the potential to so violently harm me when intoxicated.
We went through with the Abortion. Boston came with me to have it done, he sat beside me and held my hand while I had it done. They gave me heavy pain killers then laid me on a cold reclining bed/chair thing and it began. By the end of it they stuck a diaper on me and put me into a recovery chair, where I passed out. I am not sure for how long. Upon waking up I was so out of it, high on these pain killers. Boston helped me to the car and we drove home. I remember the next day, I felt some sort of a void in me. I didn't want this baby! why was I feeling that way???? It felt like exactly what it was, like something was missing. I told myself that day that if I ever got pregnant again, that I would never do this again. Our relationship began to fall apart after this, not that it wasn't already broken... but the love and the passion, basically the physical connected began to die down. I was feeling so resentful, I couldn't even tell at the time that that is what it was. I just knew that I loved this person and I wanted to be with him and no one else, but I didn't want to BE with him anymore. Whenever I did, I just lay there waiting for it to be over.
As with everything we did, we made another colossal mistake. Instead of giving up and parting ways... we got married instead. It would solve all of our problems right? it will keep us together... it will make it easier to live and work in the same country. We planned a very small wedding, it wasn't bogus, we really meant to do it, we still loved one another. We got married in a park, in the snow on March 10th 2006. I wore a black and baby pink wedding dress, he wore all black. So very goth of us. It was quite pretty. I felt out of body though, I wasn't present in the moment.. another sign that this was a mistake.
By June of that year Boston was complaining about feeling useless, that he couldn't work and had no money or purpose. So, I went to Seattle and found him an apartment. It was close enough to me that we could see each other whenever we wanted. He could get a job and feel like he had some purpose rather then just sitting at home all day watching porn and jerking off while I was at work. It was a win/win for us. We decided that I would apply for a spousal visa and we would live in the U.S. instead of Canada and we got the ball rolling. The summer went well, I went down to Seattle at least 2 times during the week and spent the weekends there. He was working fulltime at a department store and was making money and doing something he enjoyed. He had made some friends there as well.
By the end of August, that same year, I went to go for a visit and I remember we were showering together and he accidently moved the shower head and it pelted me in the eye with water. I got SO MAD at that, I stormed out of the shower and shut down. We tried to have sex that day, but it was cold and there was no feeling. I was laying with him and I went to kiss him, my lips felt numb... there was nothing. Where was our electricity?? where was the tingles... any feeling at all? I was so confused. I got in my car and drove back to Canada, the whole time questioning what that was? I began to cry because the realization was hitting me.... My whirlwind romance was over. I loved this person, more then anything... but I had begun to love him like a brother and not a lover. I got home and I called him, I told him that I needed to take a break from one another, just for a few days so I could assess the situation and see if we gave each other a little room to breathe, would it bring us together again?
The answer.... No. We took about 4 days, complete silence, no messages or phone calls. On the last day, I contacted him... one of the first things he said was "You're right... this isn't working" and although I felt the same way... HOW DARE HE be the one to say it first. I was going to say the same thing, but now it feels like he ended it and I don't know why but this pissed me off and hurt me. Ego.
Our separation happened quick... we went from All to Nothing in a matter of one phone call. Within a matter of days we couldn't even talk to one another anymore without fighting, he was hanging out with other girls already and I was just trying to figure out what just happened?? this was 1.5 years worth of ups and downs and all around madness. I managed to find my first love, who I thought was my soul mate. I moved to another country to be with him, beat the shit out of each other, he moved to another country to be with me...get pregnant, then not be, get married, move him back to his country... then separate and all within a year and a half.
There was so much more to come after this, I could write an entire book on it to be sure. We went from being enemies, to being friends again, to being enemies and then friends. It was almost 11 years ago that we got married and separated. It took until 2009, while I was pregnant with my first born son, to get divorced. But that is an entirely different story.
Xo
